I say I don’t care a lot and I’m not sure what I mean by it anymore. I know that I care deeply about many things, but in the same breath i feel very detached from people and my emotions most of the time. Maybe just my emotions. It’s like i have the emotions and I can identify them but I’m somehow cushioned away. I listen to a friend talking about their really heavy deep stuff and i can feel myself identifying and empathizing and being in it with them for a moment, but the whole time it feels like the strong emotions I’m having are five feet away and I’m indifferent to them. I don’t always feel this way but it is pretty common for me. I recognize that i probably worked too many shifts this week and didn’t eat enough or sleep enough, so I’m sure that these are contributing factors. Feelings are just funny and even though what I’m describing kind of seems like a lack-of emotion as I’m writing it down, I’m aware that it is not. It’s a feeling of exhaustion. I’m mentally physically and spiritually drained today and pretty much all week but at the end of the day I’m off tomorrow and I plan to rest. Objectively I feel great about my life and overall I’m in a great place and really enjoying most aspects of it. When I got clean the people who helped me used to say HALT. They suggested pausing for a moment when i feel any type of way and assessing whether i was too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Typically if I’m feeling off my square it’s one of those so that makes these things easier to identify. I’m not always quick to get back into a solution mentality but I’m quicker than I once was and that’s tight. Time to sleep
Goodnight,
Rob